well I can't set my house on fire every night
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
