I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
