Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
