you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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