I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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