Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
