it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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