I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
