I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
