If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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