I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
