I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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