omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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