When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Watching her eat just hurts me
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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