I looked at my own cervix.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It's shark week go big or go home
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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