If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How does one acquire holy water?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize