wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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