She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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