My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
