Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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