yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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