I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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