HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
