You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
