Moan for me like Helen Keller
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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