yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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