i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
