I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
