i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
