Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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