My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize