You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
