Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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