the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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