woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
