those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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