Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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