I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize