last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
