So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
