the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Text me some of your sweat
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
