I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Randomize
