had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
