We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
