my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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