he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
