I wish my penis had an off switch
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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