i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
