You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
