Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
