I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
