'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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