so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
