My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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