He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
