Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
