what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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