I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
