Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
