Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
